Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Schwartzism of the Day

MVB loves City of Miami Police Public Information Lt. Bill Schwartz. To say he has a way with words is an understatement. At this time in his career, little fazes him. In 2000, he had to be rescued from an angry Cuban mob who wanted to get at Miami cops for helping the Feds rip Elian Gonzalez from his "protectors" (Schwartz got bonked by a thrown water bottle but was not seriously hurt). His deadpanned, dispassionate zingers regarding crime in Miami always bring smiles to our faces and help us get through our dangerous days. We should have done this a lot sooner, but today marks the first attempt to chronicle Lt. Schwartz's less than politically correct and more in-your-face take on crime as seen by a guy who's seen it all. These quotes also say a lot about where we live and the kind of people who live here. They will be updated with the latest at the top of the list.
  • January 30, 2008: "It looks as though that he used his wine glass to try to knock out his girlfriend, his foot and elbow to try to knock out some cops and his head to try to knock out a police car.'' Schwartz on ex-football player Wayne Carey and his arrest outside a Miami nightclub.
  • December 24, 2007: "Soto needs to find himself another line of work. In fact, there's an opening for the village idiot down the block. I'll be glad to give him a reference." Schwartz on repeat offender Angel Soto who got famous and made some Metro-Dade cops infamous two weeks before in a televised car chase. He goes to jail, bonds out and takes Miami cops on another car chase this morning. He's back in jail and you can see the WSVN-FOX video here. Thanks, Bill, for this wonderful Christmas gift. It's been too long between your oh so worthy bon mots.
  • June 26, 2007: "Labron Brown is a sociopath little thug without two brain cells to rub together. He has no criminal past and now it looks like he has no future." Yesterday regarding the alleged 15-year-old who killed two men last week at a graduation-birthday party in northwest Miami-Dade. Please note that much of Lt. Schwartz' way with words are lost in reading. To really appreciate this guy, you have to see and hear him speaking. For that treasured only-in-Miami experience, we found this link to the above story for your viewing pleasure.
  • "What we're talking about is a cracked-out, machete-wielding moron who went on his own personal countywide crime spree." Schwartz on the one man crime wave that police dealt with on 6/13.
  • "This was pure bloodlust. There was no reason for this." Schwartz describing the murder of a homeless man by four men in 2006.
  • "What we have is a situation where witnesses ran away as police arrived. People say they want to rid their neighborhood of crime, but it's up to the community to help us do that. They don't seem to realize we can't do it alone." Schwartz in 2006 on the murder of a tourist who stopped to ask somebody for directions in Coconut Grove.
  • "For her safety and the safety of all concerned, the officers decided to remove her from the situation. Clearly this upset her even more, and she slapped one of the cops on the hand. Not a good idea." Schwartz on the arrest of O.J. Simpson's 19-year-old daughter Sydney in 2005.
  • ''We believe this was a personal thing. They were toying with him like a cat does a mouse or a lizard.'' Schwartz describing a murder victim in 2005.

Now for a little reward for reading this far. Our favorite cop is also an "accomplished ventriloquist" and a puppeteer! That's right, Google found a press release about Lt. Schwartz doing a series of children's public service announcements in 2003. He used his puppets, Kookie the Bird, Dan the Man and Buster, "perhaps the first handicapped puppet on a wheelchair", in the spots. (In an effort at full disclosure, please note that Verticvs, at the beginning of his long and storied career, started out as a puppeteer for Burger King and has built his own rod puppets-- including Bob, the world's first talking Fiberglas coconut. But this had nothing to do with MVB choosing to highlight Lt. Schwartz. This post was planned before it was revealed Schwartz has a relationship with puppets). If you're lucky, you can see them during children's programming.

UpDate 3/19/08: Schwartz, 55, retires March 27th after 26 years of service. He says he'll be following the acting bug. "I'll go wherever the work is." For us, Bill Schwartz always made bad news sound good. We'll miss him.


C.L. Jahn said...

Bill is an accomplished actor who has appeared in several local productions. I often saw him post-show at the late and lamented Gables Pub, where all the theatre types in the Gables/Grove used to hang out.
I can't comment on his ventriloquist act, as I haven't seen it.

Dayngr said...

I've seen him too performing as an actor, most recently in a post 9/11 tribute that was done @ the Biltmore. It was fantastic and he was amazing.