There beneath the locked jeweler's display case in the Seybold building in downtown Miami lay the fabled crystal bra!
"How much?" Sir Manny asked as the Knights of the Mesa Redonda, all eager to see the object of their quest, bunched up behind the King of Little H and pushed him against the display case.
Moishe, the jeweler, shrugged. "It's not cheap. It's a one of a kind. That isn't your everyday cut glass, you know."
"Yes, I know. Swarovski crystals and all that. All the way from Austria. How much? Stop shovin'!"
Moishe paused and looked at the motley crew. He admired the delicate work of the chainmail and noted the semi-precious stones embedded in the hilts of their swords and, of course, he wondered if King Manny's crown was solid gold. He hoped they might be as rich as they were insane. "Fifty thousand dollars," he said with an apologetic shrug.
"Fifty thousand dollars?" King Manny and the Knights of the Mesa Redonda cried.
"Hey, what can I tell you, it's a one of a kind." Moishe paused and looked around before motioning King Manny to come closer. "Famous bosoms have filled it," he whispered with a knowing nod of his head.
"Famous bosoms?" Manny and the Knights responded loudly.
Moishe pushed away and looked around. Some woman was glaring at him from a perch above the display cases. He smiled weakly up at her and offered a jaundiced wave of his hand. "Smile to the wife," he whispered through clenched teeth, "and maybe I can work out a deal."
King Manny and the Knights of the Mesa Redonda smiled and waved at the woman but she just sadly shook her head and turned away.
Moishe was still looking at his wife when he whispered, "Elizabeth Taylor once wore it."
"Elizabeth Taylor?" they all shouted once again. The boys are big fans of their fellow Brit.
Moishe froze. His wife's eyes had narrowed into little slits. He gave her one of those "please forgive me, honey, for being such a goddamn fool" kinda smiles. She turned away in a huff. Moishe turned back to the Men of the Mesa Redonda. "Look, gentlemen," he whispered, "a whole bunch of famous tits have occupied this bra. It comes with a pedigree. Now if you can't afford it, perhaps you might be interested in something else. Perhaps a...small tiara?"
"A small tiara?" one of the knights exclaimed. "Does he look like he needs a fooking small tiara?"
"What's going on here, Moishe?"
The men jumped. They hadn't seen the wife coming.
"Darling," Moishe gushed, "these men wanted to buy the Swarovski bra."
"Wanted'?" she said intimidatingly. "Can't you afford it? What kind of king are you anyway?"
"I'm a king on a budget."
"Then try K-Mart."
As she turned away, Moise grabbed her arm. "Dear, these men are on an important quest. Without the bra, hurricanes will come and Elita Loresca the Storm Goddess--"
"'Elita Loresca'? I should have known. You men are all alike. It's pathetic. Are you idiots trying to buy this bra for her?"
"Yes," King Manny said, "in order to save Miami from hurricanes and to free a young and innocent maid who--"
"Boys," Moishe's wife said, "this bra isn't big enough for Ms. Loresca's love bubbles. You need the No. 9."
"The 'No. 9'?" King Manny asked.
"The No. 9. It's the first bra for the surgically endowed. You can get it at Nordstrom."
"Are you implying the Storm Goddess' gongas aren't genuine?"
"They're too round. It's the first sign someone's been foolin' around with Mother Nature."
"Heresy!" one of the knights shouted. "Heresy I say!"
"You are an evil wench and not worthy of protecting the bra!" another knight screamed and before anyone could say 'stop,' a broadsword smashed through the glass display case and a hand protected by a steel guantlet snatched the fabled crystal bra. Alarms rang, the Moishes screamed, and King Manny yelled "Run away! Run away!" and the Knights of the Mesa Redonda and their king who lives for the quest ran out of the building scattering passerbys with raised swords, flapping cloaks, and shouts about freedom and hurricanes.
(To Be Continued)