Saturday, June 02, 2007

Just In Time For Hurricane Season: The Elita Loresca Hurricane Protection Altar!

The Elita Loresca Hurricane Protection Altar
Compliments of Miami Vision Blogarama!

MVB has been worshipping at the Elita Loresca Hurricane Protection Altar since the beginning of last hurricane season. Used in conjunction with an audio omming device (see above), it seemed to work. Although we make no guarantees, we're offering it up FREE to our loyal readers just in time for hurricane season!

With all the hurricanes predicted for this year, we figured we should spread the praying around because, man, it was way too much responsibility for guys like us. To be honest with you, after drinking Father Al's blessed mojitos from the sacramental dragon chalice donated by Sir Manny, once we kneeled in front of our favorite local weather girl, we just couldn't focus on our prayers. As a group, the MVB staff is a sad lot of shallow men steeped in feeling guilty for just about everything and knowing our lack of focus might cause a hurricane to come your way-- which would, of course, heap more guilt upon us-- we decided to spread the responsibility-- and guilt-- around. So...

CUT! PASTE! PRINT! WORSHIP!

It couldn't get any easier.
And remember, if a big one comes our way, you have only yourself to blame.

27 comments:

latinbombshell said...

Ooops! I guess we are not in the running for Ideal Hurricane Season Boyfriend? :-)

Verticus S. Erectus said...

Ms. B, your standards are too high for us-- unless, of course, you really need a man with a big hammer who knows how to wield it. Hopefully with all the praying going on to the Hurricane Goddess you won't, thereby saving you loads of wasted time at Home Depot. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you look just like Elizabeth Taylor?-- the young Liz, of course.

latinbombshell said...

With boobs the size of two cruise ships, I think Lorita could actually sideswipe a hurricane! :-)

Yes we do need hammer-wielding gentlemen.

Thank you for the compliment! My mother was a dead ringer for the legendary Elizabeth T. There's a beautiful photograph of her circa 1940 Cuba that I'll post soon on Flickr.

Anonymous said...

hey, dis thing really works. I been prayin on my nees in front of the goddess and benny or boobsy or whatever they called it mised us. It's a freakin miracle! I for one am a true believer!!!

Anonymous said...

Re "boobs the size of two cruise ships," where can I book a cruise on 'em?

Anonymous said...

Re "sideswipe a hurricane," maybe she could be our "early warning system," our very own talisman against hurricanes? We could strap her to the top of the WSVN/? radio tower in Biscayne Bay, you know, the way they tied Lt. Dan to the top of the mast of the shrimp boat in "Forrest Gump" and let her curse the storm for us while swinging those mighty breasts from side to side to drive it away all the while she's getting wetter and wetter in her lingerie and

Wally's mom said...

I curse the Internet! That last comment was interrupted by a 15-year-old's mother-- ME! Instead of using it for good, you have corrupted it and millions of kids around the world! What a waste! Grow up! I'm going to report you to somebody! Boobs, boobs, boobs! What kinda religion is based on boobs?

Anonymous said...

The best kind.

Verticus S. Erectus said...

Actually, the Elita Loresca thing is more cult than religion. It started as an offshoot of the "Church of the Groovy Dude." Bobby Bermudez, MVB's resident archaeologist, is a devout follower of that Hialeah-based religion and it was his suggestion that we start praying to Elita to save ourselves from hurricanes. Imbibing mojitos during the course of the service was also his idea-- which is a very big part of the Church of the Groovy Dude-- which made it easier to accept, not that kneeling before a large breasted goddess isn't enough, it's just seems kinda silly when you first think about it. Until the second mojito. And then it starts making a whole lot of sense.

Anonymous said...

I can think of two good reasons to pray to Elita.

Anonymous said...

I can think of three.

Anonymous said...

I can think of four.

Wally said...

I can think of this many.

Anonymous said...

Damn, kid, you're sick.

Anonymous said...

I'm not praying to no freak!

Anonymous said...

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

Wally said...

I am. Go "High Tide!"

Verticus S. Erectus said...

Okay, okay, get a grip guys and start focusing on the real issue here: hurricane prevention.

Wally said...

I'd like to get a "grip."

Anonymous said...

Will someone get this kid laid?

Verticus S. Erectus said...

Forget the kid. Will someone get me laid?

Xavier said...

Verticus, it took me a second to realize that the image was of that goddess of a weather lady who might as well be talking about Ugandan political reforms for all I care. When she's on T.V. jibber-jabbering about the weather, nothing registers. Don Noe is outta luck.

Verticus S. Erectus said...

We hear you, Xavier. FYI, MVB's most viewed post of all time is this one which happens to mention the Storm Goddess in passing. Sure, Googling her name brings you to that post, but I really think it shows more people are anxious about hurricanes than we ever suspected. How else can you explain hurricane coverage that begins off the coast of Africa when it's still a lousy tropical depression? Elita Loresca makes this kind of overkill palatable.

Xavier said...

No doubt. I could almost turn your visual into my desktop wallpaper.

Verticus S. Erectus said...

A splendid idea, my man! If we all did that, it would be hard for us to forget to pray to the goddess at "start up." Perhaps then she might favor us with an uneventful hurricane season.

Anonymous said...

What delightful mammaries...

that guy said...

she is one fine filapina!