Miami-- Vince McMahon, founder of World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), has been named the new CEO of Miami's Carnival Center for the Performing Arts. Unable to stop the hemorrhaging of millions of dollars a year due to mismanagement and poor booking decisions by its former CEO Michael Hardy, the Center's board of directors voted unanimously to fire Hardy and replace him with "someone who knows what the people want." With a profit of nearly $100 million for the second quarter, Mr. McMahon and his WWE seem to know what the people want. His first order of business was to initiate the new advertising campaign "Less Bach. More Batista." Batista is the reigning world heavyweight champion and Bach, of course, is some old dead guy no one listens to in Miami except for maybe a couple of nearly dead guys and their wives. As Mr. McMahon says, "Batista sells tickets. Bach pushes up daisies."
Mr. McMahon's first production will be Batista taking on Goldberg in the "Ultimate Smackdown" for the World Heavyweight Championship. Both halls at Carnival are sold out with the Knight Center being used for a live TV feed from the larger opera house across the street.
The Discovery Channel inked a multi-million-dollar deal for the exclusive rights to broadcast these events. They will be marketed under the following slogan: Welcome to full contact culture.
County commissioners stumbled over themselves to present Mr. McMahon with a key to the city which he promptly ate before challenging them to a fight to the death. When Commissioner Seijas stepped forward to take him on, he turned to his leggy babe reps and yelled, "Run away! Run away!" And they did.