Thursday, February 01, 2007

Miami Dade College Confessional


Verticus S. Erectus (VSE): Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Padre Padron(PP): Who hasn't?
VSE: What?
PP: Call me Padre. Continue, my son.
VSE: Well, I have unclean thoughts about you.
PP (choking): What?
VSE: I think you're obscenely over paid as the president of Miami Dade College. You make almost $900,000.00 a year and--
PP: And I earn every penny of it.
VSE: That procedural retirement BS you pulled last year to take an additional $900,000 from taxpayers only to be rehired by the college is embarrassing.
PP: Hey, it's perfectly legal. Get over it.
VSE: I wish I could, padre, but I attended an open house last night on your venerable North Campus, of which I proudly proclaim to be an alumnus, and saw first hand how overworked and underpaid staffers are busting their asses while you throw outrageously expensive parties at taxpayers expense--
PP: Hey, it's called "fundraising."
VSE: You've got catering bills chronicling 8-hours of revelry.
PP: I like to party.
VSE: You drive around in a Porsche Boxster paid for by the people of Florida.
PP: Ain't life grand? You're not envious are you? You know that's one of the seven deadly sins or something.
VSE: Last night, I sat in on a FAQ for incoming international students. They got more hoops to jump through than a Muslim at an airport checkpoint. Although the staff was accommodating and professional, there are not enough to handle the job. Phone calls and emails are rarely returned. If they had a few extra hands, maybe that department might become more efficient.
PP: Look, could ya speed it up? I got a party to catch at Mansion.
VSE: Maybe you could see fit to give up some of your salary to fund some extra help in that department.
(Silence)
VSE: Padre Padron?
(VSE is greeted with the well-tuned legendary sound of the Boxster as it revs up before slip-sliding across the hard-packed beach sand. VSE hears PP shouting back)
PP: Say five "Hail Marys" and kiss my ass!

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