Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Sir Manny Mojito, King of Little H, and the Knights of the Mesa Redondo say Farewell to Elita Loresca

It had been awhile since Sir Manny Mojito, King of Little H, and the Knights of the Mesa Redondo had seen Elita Loresca's disembodied impossibly large and perfect breasts. The last time was under the MacArthur Causeway bridge where they urged the boys in equally perfect stereophonic balance to take up the quest to rescue her from the Temple of the Storm Goddess, aka WSVN-Fox's Channel 7 studios. Seems management wouldn't release her from her contract. The on-air confrontation with the weather temptress landed everyone in jail where they stayed for many weeks until Verticvs Erectus, publisher of MVB, was able to raise enough money to bail them out. That weather report, thanks to YouTube, soon became one of the most viewed and most discussed videos of all time and within days, Sir Manny and the boys became known as world-class fuck-ups world-wide. Because of their shame, a vestigial personality trait rarely seen in south Florida, they elected to remain secluded in MVB's cramped offices where they sought forgiveness by praying incessantly to a make-shift altar dedicated to Ms. Loresca, Goddess of the Storm. This was also their penance because they believed that as long as they prayed to Ms. Loresca, hurricanes would be averted from south Florida. So far, no one could argue with them over that. Not even Max Mayfield, the weather swami at WSVN's rival station WPLG-ABC. And so the boys kept praying, day and night, hoping for forgiveness and a chance to regain their honor by praying away all shape and size of hurricanes.

And then the heavenly habahabas appeared.

King Manny saw them first as he kneeled and prayed in front of the altar. He heard the Storm Goddess' voice and, still in a trance, opened his eyes. They were hovering over the Bank of America building. The building had been lit up in green lights and there, floating at the top, were Ms. Loresca's impossibly large and perfect breasts.

"I must go," they said in a hushed and throaty voice, undulating slowly from side to side.

"Why?" King Manny asked.

"I am needed elsewhere," they replied. "I must save California from...everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

"Even Rosie O'Donnell?"

"Almost everything."

"Can I come along?"

"Me too!" Sir Belvedere cried.

"And me!"

"Me too!"

All the Knights of the Mesa Redondo wanted to go with her and, despite their devotion, I am sorry to report some even tried to cop a feel.

"I wish you could join me," the shimmering love globes replied. "But you have a more important job to do. You must continue to pray to my very sexy picture on your altar. Only your devotion will keep hurricanes away. Can you do that?"

"Yes!" they shouted. "For you, anything!"

"Good," the marvelous mammararies mumbled. "With your devotion on the east coast and the prayers of my followers on the west coast-- and they are legion-- just maybe America and all it stands for will be saved from the ravages of the...Storm Goddess!"

At that point, thunder sounded off in the distance.

"I'm gonna miss you, Goddess of the Storm," King Manny choked.

"Call me Elita, good King Manny Mojito. And remember this, boys, I'm only a thought away-- especially if you close your eyes and rub real hard-- I mean think real hard."

"I'm already real hard," Sir Belvedere replied.

"Me too!"

"That's your broadsword, you big dummy!"

"Whoe, I guess that explains all the fookin' blood!"

"Oh," the goombahs gushed, "you are such bad boys. I love you all."

Someone, maybe more than one, started crying.

"Now don't cry. Remember when you were lost in the Redlands Forest looking for someone with a sense of humor?" the magic magumbos asked.

"Yes. And we were never able to find one. What a bummer."

"But things got better anyway, didn't they?"

"Well, yes," King Manny replied sheepishly, "especially after meeting your magnificent maracas under the bridge."

"And they will again," the tits teetered. "Just remember to look on the bright side of life and that will get you out of any forest of gloom and doom. In fact, I have a song I want you to sing and sing it you shall, in remembrance of me. When you awake from your trance, you will begin to sing as a chorus, a choir if you will. Some of you will even tap dance as you sing. In time, when things get you down, this song and dance number will set you right with the world. Now, until we meet again, sing....sing this song..."

And they did:




UpDate (8/23): Today's Herald announced Rosie O'Donnell is coming to town November 4th for the Miami Book Fair. She will be promoting her book Celebrity Detox. Sir Manny Mojito and the boys did not take this well and began taking turns self-flagellating with a cat-of-nine-tales while circling in front of the Goddess of the Storm makeshift shrine. Please note that no knights were hurt during the above incident because they were protected by their chainmail and thick linen cloaks. Although they may be prone to acting out, they do steer away from self-mutilation which is something to be thankful for considering these are grown men walking around in the hot Miami summer in suits of armor.

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