Thursday, August 09, 2007

Igwe Gets Down With MVB!

Victor Igwe, the mysterious, reclusive City of Miami Auditor General agreed to a short interview with MVB yesterday in the shadowy bowels of his office. For those who have never heard of Mr. Igwe, he's the Mayor and City Commission's fly in the ointment, resident party pooper, and all-around pain-in-the-ass. Over the years, a few have threatened to fire him because of the things he has uncovered.

MVB: Can we open the blinds?
VI: No.
MVB: It's pretty dark in here. We may not be able to get a good photo.
VI: Too bad.
MVB: That accent, it sounds English but with a touch of...
VI: Nigerian. I was born in Africa but raised in London.
MVB: And something else...
VI: Texan. I went to college in Texas.
MVB: Quite lilting in a mixed-up polyglot sort of way.
VI: (Nothing. He just stares through his Wayfarers, looking at...nothing)
MVB: So, what's it like being the City of Miami's Auditor General?
VI: (Still looking at nothing but now rubbing his temple) It's never boring.
MVB: (Awkward pause) We're surprised you don't list yourself in the City of Miami directory as "Dr. Igwe" since you hold a doctoral degree in Business Administration from Nova Southeastern University.
VI: I don't think so.
MVB: How 'bout General Igwe?
VI: (Looks up) Yes, and maybe I should paint a large target on my back too.
MVB: Death threats?
VI: No comment.
MVB: C'mon, you can tell us. Our readers, except for the possible exception of a guy named Klotz, abhor violence of any sort. You're safe.
VI: In my job, no one's safe.
MVB: Maybe a Hurricane fan is out to get you? After all, you discovered University of Miami was stiffing the city out of more than $400,000 in Orange Bowl user fees.
VI: I love the Canes and their new coach Dandy Shannon.
MVB: Uh, that's Randy Shannon.
VI: Whatever.
MVB: How 'bout Mayor Diaz?
VI: What about him?
MVB: Do you think he's got a contract out on you?
VI: Don't be ridiculous.
MVB: Well, your audits tied him in with some dubious practices over the years.
VI: Please, you're beginning to bore me.
MVB: How 'bout ex-City Manager Joe Arriola? That's one guy with a short fuse. We think he holds the record for the "Fan Thrown Out of the Most Miami Heat Games." Maybe he wants to kill you.
VI: I'm sure he does but he won't.
MVB: Why not?
VI: He's the first guy they'd go looking for.
MVB: How 'bout--
VI: Stop.
MVB: We could go on...
VI: Don't. I get the idea. A lot of people have it in for me. That doesn't mean they want to kill me.
MVB: Then why all this cloak-and-dagger Stealth-Auditor General stuff?
VI: Just in case I'm wrong.
MVB: Well, we for one are real fans of yours. We'd like to give you an award.
VI: Is that the one where some guy keeps dropping his pants on the dais?
MVB: No, this is the one where we give you a big "W" carved out of genuine Swarovski crystal.
VI: Could you mail it to me?
MVB: It wouldn't be the same.
VI: I'll pass.


Steve ("Klotz" As In "Blood") said...

This guy really exists? All this time I thought people were saying "wig" in Pig Latin.

Verticus S. Erectus said...

Mr. Igwe, now that Klotz knows of your existence, we can only urge you to keep keeping the drapes drawn and, if you haven't already, start looking over your shoulder.

Anonymous said...

I see in today's Herald (5/29/2011) Igwe got the shaft by the city commission. And to think-- nearly 4 years later-- MVB thought it would be coming from behind, a head-shot through the venetian blinds.