Saturday, November 18, 2006

Strategic Fat Command: Miami Connection Exclusive Report


By chance after more than a few drinks over a recent curry buffet dinner at Churchill's Pub, Verticus Erectus, publisher of this digital rag, discovered a Miami connection between the proliferation of US fast food chains around the world and our government. As it turned out, the man Erectus was eating and drinking with at the bar that night was more than just your ordinary drunken four star general. In fact, General "Obie" Wanmofries, was the head of a secret government agency called the Strategic Fat Command (SFC) which operates out of the US Southern Command (SouthCom) based in Doral. Although SouthCom officially is concerned with US military operations in South America and the Caribbean, SFC, according to General Wanmofries is based at SouthCom because of Burger King. Once Erectus knew he was onto something big, he turned on his secret micro-tape recorder he carries with him at all times for just these kinds of moments. What follows is the exact conversation, unexcised for human consumption.

MVB: So General Wanmofries, mind--
GW: Call me "Obie."
MVB: "Obie?"
GW: Yeah, it's short for Obese.
MVB: Okay, ...Obie. MindifIrecordthisconversation?
GW: What?
MVB: Okay,wannanotherdrink?
GW: Sure.
MVB (to the lovely Brit barmaid): Alex, we'll have another round. So, Obie, what's with the SFC?
GW: We're out to subdue the world one fast food restaurant at a time. You know, we just opened a KFC in freaking Hanoi, can you believe that? We may have lost that war, but we'll get 'em in the end with clogged arteries and heart attacks. Hmm, don't you just love the deviousness of this plan?
MVB (to Alex as she arrives with the drinks): Thanks, Alex. Love your bracelet (its a black leather wrap with 4" chrome spikes).
Alex: Thanks, dearie. It keeps the creeps from touching my tats (exits).
GW: Her what?
MVB: Her tattoos. It's devious, alright, General, but you're going to have to wait a long time to see any results.
GW (hosting his glass): Salute.
MVB: Salute.
GW: I double-dog guarantee you it won't take no goldarn 30-years.
MVB: You mean since the end of the war?
GW: Damn right. Once they get a taste of that greasy chicken shit and them Whoppers, we'll have them right where we want 'em.
MVB: And where's that?
GW: Hooked on US fast foods, man! Forget "Fast Food Nation," it's a "Fast Food World!" We're growing a whole new generation of customers who will fuel the growth of our US based fast food corporations while at the same time we're killing off the enemy. Don't you just love it?
MVB: It's devious alright. So you still consider North Vietnam the enemy?
GW: Commie bastards.
MVB: How 'bout China?
GW: Double commie bastards. We're hitting them from two fronts: fast foods and cigarettes. One way or the other, they'll either eat themselves to death or smoke themselves to death.
MVB: How 'bout the Arab world?
GW: We got that covered too.
MVB: It must be a little frustrating though when the feds want to reduce trans fats and--
GW: Don't say those words in front of me! They haven't been in my vocabulary since I started working for Burger King.
MVB: "Burger King?"
GW: 30-years at their Miami headquarters.
MVB: Wow.
GW: Yeah, I was in charge of developing their menus.
MVB: So, how did you end up heading up the SFC?
GW: I got recruited. At first I didn't want to leave my cushy job at BK or leave Miami. I don't know, maybe they were desperate or something, but I convinced them working with my old company would have its benefits so they allowed me to run the operation from SouthCom. When they offered to make me a general, how could I say no?
MVB: What were you before?
GW: Nothing. I never was in the military. Had to learn how to salute and everything. (With that, he lifted his glass) Salute!
MVB: Salute!

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