Wednesday, September 20, 2006

When "Deeply Sorry" Isn't Good Enough, Father Al Tells Radical Muslims They Can Kiss His Baptized Buttocks

MVB Profile on Father Al Kadah

MVB: So, Father, just what kind of a priest are you anyway?
FAK: I'm one pissed off priest. Can't you tell?
MVB: Whoe, big fellow. What's got your feathers ruffled?
FAK: Muslims.
MVB: Muslims? Where's your tolerance?
FAK: Where's theirs?
MVB: Does the Catholic Church know Muslims piss you off?
FAK: They know. I've been getting counseling.
MVB: And?
FAK: It didn't help. I couldn't get enough therapy time. The counselors were all booked, you know, with those "other guys."
MVB: You mean the pedophiles?
FAK: Sh-h-h! Keep it down, man. It's not something we want bandied about. No, the other guys.
MVB: The "other guys"?
FAK (whispering): The homosexuals. Do I have to spell it out for you?
MVB: Sorry. We just kinda assumed--
FAK: Well don't. There are a lot of good men in the priesthood who are as normal as you and me. Anyway, when it comes to them Muslims, it's all about political correctness. God forbid we might say something to piss them off and from what I can tell, it doesn't take much. Talk about hypersensitive. I guess they're a lot like them Cubans you got down there who get all bent out of shape over just about anything if it's about Cuba and it ain't the way they see it. You know, like how they went bonkers over that school book, want it banned and all, started marching up and down the streets and everything. What was it? A book about Cuba written for second graders, right?
MVB: Whoe, Father Al, you don't want to go there.
FAK: Why not?
MVB: They'll think you don't like them too. That could be dangerous.
FAK: "Dangerous"? Do they strap bombs to themselves too?
MVB: Of course not.
FAK: Then what do I have to be afraid of? I'd take my chances with a room full of Cubans any day than one full of Muslims. Know what I mean?
MVB: Uh, no, not really.
FAK: My, God, boy, you won't see a bunch of Cubans tripping over your dead body trying to get at them heavenly virgins unlike those Muslims when they blow themselves up and you along with them! So, don't go around telling people I don't like Cubans! My God, most of 'em are Catholic for crisesakes! Right? How can't I like 'em? Geese.
MVB: OK, relax. Maybe you might want to check out some anger management classes down at the Y.
FAK: And maybe you might wanna mind you own goddamn business.
MVB: You know what? I think this interview is over.

(Your interviewer got up to leave but Father Kadah reached out and grabbed his hand to stop him.)

FAK: I'm sorry, please forgive me. Please don't go. I have a confession to make.
MVB: A "confession to make"?

(You guessed it, the interviewer stayed.)

FAK: Man, do I feel like I'm on the wrong side of the confessional here.

(A pregnant pause followed as Father Kadah wrung his hands and looked around uneasily.)

They kicked me out of the Church last week.
MVB: What? Why?
FAK: Hell-- Sorry. I know I've got some issues to work on. Please forgive me. Anyway, when our Holy Father pissed off the whole damn Muslim world-- got 'em marching in the streets, cursing us out, burning churches, killing nuns, you know, the basic Muslim reaction to this kind of stuff-- for something the poor guy was quoting from a book for crisesakes-- it's not like he actually believed it, he was just trying to make a point. Hell, he even summed up that speech asking people to be tolerant of each other's faith. But did that get picked up? No-o-o. Even made him apologize for crying out loud. You know, I'm tired of trying to watch my p's and q's all the time around these people. I may be a priest, but I'm an American priest and, by God, I'm going to start acting like one. I'm gonna tell it like it is-- like the Holy Father was trying to do-- but I ain't backing down because I might have offended a bunch of zealots with a death wish. My, God, it's getting to the point you're afraid to say anything like in my last marriage.
MVB: Your "last marrigage"?
FAK: Another time, another life. Anyway, I...I tried my best to follow in his footsteps. You know, turn the other cheek and all that stuff so last Sunday I preached about tolerance.
MVB: And that got you thrown out of the Catholic Church?
FAK: Well, it started out okay, but somewhere around the middle, I guess I kinda wavered from the original text.
MVB: Please tell us you didn't say anything inflammatory about "them Muslims."
FAK: Well, I didn't think I crossed the line, but I guess I did.
MVB: Okay, what'd you say?
FAK: Well, you know, it's always good to try to work in a joke or two to lighten up the homily so I thought I'd compare radical Muslims to homicidal Postal Workers.
MVB: Father Al, you can kiss your mail good-bye.
FAK: That's what somebody else said. Do you really think they'll keep my mail from me? Hey, it was only a joke.
MVB: Father, please, get back to the "joke."
FAK: Okay. Anyway, I only suggested that instead of using "going Postal" when describing someone who loses it real bad and wants to murder people because of it, why not substitute "going Muslim?" Funny, right?
MVB: Oh, geese. You're in big trouble now.
FAK: Hey, don't I know it. I'm the defrocked priest here you know.
MVB: That's right. You're a defrocked priest. Then why are you running around dressed like that?
FAK: Because it's the only clothes I got.
MVB: We like the Wayfarers and the backward Kangol with the cross. Nice touch.
FAK: Thanks. It's all part of my "bad boy" image.
MVB: "Bad boy image"?
FAK: It's my publicist's idea.
MVB: "Publicist"? What do you need a publicist for? If anything, you need a job.
FAK: As it turns out I have a job and a following.
MVB: A "following"?
FAK: Yeah, seems like some of my parishioners like me so much they want me to keep preaching to them so we rustled up a storefront church right across the street from the "real one."

(Father Kadah made quotation marks in the air with his hands.)

Call it "The Church for the Politically Incorrect." .

(He did it again.)

Even got a website.
MVB: You're kidding.
FAK: It's Membership is growing by leaps and bounds.
MVB: Why do you think that is?
FAK: It's the message and the messenger. I'm a good preacher. You should have seen my last sermon when I dropped my drawers in the "real church".


MVB: You "dropped your drawers"? Please tell us you're talking about a chest of drawers or maybe even a bureau?
FAK: Sorry, bud, but I always try to end my sermons with a bang. If nothing else, it at least wakes 'em up.

(At this point, Father Al nudged the interviewer to see if he "got it". The interviewer nodded and smiled politely.)

Anyway, I was really getting into it, you know, reaching a crescendo, my voice rising to a near falsetto, when I turned on the congregation, dropped my pants and screamed, "You Muslims can kiss my baptized buttocks!"
MVB: Oh, lord.
FAK: That's what they said.
MVB: Talk about turning the other cheek.
FAK: Hey, that's a good one. I think I'll use it in next week's sermon.
MVB: Amen.

1 comment:

Anwar said...

Die, infidel, die!