Thursday, September 07, 2006
Miami Circle: Giant Smiley Face
Miami archaeologist Bobby Bermudez discovered today that the world famous Miami Circle is an ancient giant "Smiley Face."
Originally uncovered in 1998 when a developer was clearing the land to erect twin condo towers, it has taken Mr. Bermudez eight long years of tedious scholarship to decode the mysterious holes in the ground at the mouth of the Miami River. "Although some experts believe the holes are a septic tank, through an arduous process that involved such disparate fields as computer mapping, Mayan studies, and channeling, I have been able to determine that the Miami Circle is a monumental ceremonial mask to the pre-Columbian Tequesta's god of mirth."
"Not very much is known about the Tequestas except that they were tall, naked, and dead before the Conquistadors ever set foot on Florida," Mr. Bermudez continued. "But it's good to know they had a sense of humor. In fact, this is the earliest known example of humankind possessing a sense of humor. Except for some erotic art found on the walls of Pompei, most artifacts depict us as a violent, blood-letting superstitious lot so, in that regard, this is one of the most important discoveries ever made, if I do say so myself."
Depending on where you live and how desperate you are for a little piece of history, digging up the past can be expensive. At that time, to appease a small but vocal minority of preservationists, "new age" wackos, members of the Mayan Huichol tribe and representatives of the "Taino people" who set up camp at the site for a 24-hour tom-tom-athon, County government wrote a check for $26.7 million dollars to the developer to stop developing. Soon after, to preserve the holes, the excavation was covered up with sand and will remain so until funding can be found to develop an educational exhibit.
Despite Mr. Bermudez's assertions, MVB suspects the Miami Circle really is nothing more than the remains of a septic tank and that the original archaeologists who discovered it came to the same conclusion after-the-fact and chose to cover it up with a couple of dump truck loads of sand to avoid any embarrassment to their careers.
UpDate (11/8/2008): AP reports the discovery of a "dinosaur dance floor" by University of Utah scientists was recently proven by paleontologists to be nothing more than a "collection of potholes caused by erosion in the sandstone." This jump to conclusions by "experts" reminds of us of the travesty that happened here.