Monday, December 10, 2007

Tuscan Steak: Sensual Dining in Sobe

Tuscan Steak may not look like it has a pedigree from its less than ostentatious facade at 433 Washington Ave in SoBe, but it's part of China Grill Management which is known for its world-wide far flung empire of restaurants serving up great food and style in equal portions. Basically it's exactly what it's PR machine says it is, a "sophisticated, family-style Florentine grill" specializing in Northern Italian cooking smack dab in the middle of the world's playground. Once you get past what seems to be de rigeur for upscale dining here what with the impossibly tall blonde with the perfect tan and a body that brings tears to your eyes who greets you at the door and makes you choke and stumble across the threshold, you'll find yourself escorted into a different world of friendly waitstaff, warm woods, and a laid back vibe. How refreshing.

It only gets better. The food will make an athiest cry and thank God for the opportunity to eat such food as this. For us, this ephiphany begins with the Tuscan salad which includes salami and pepperoni followed by the gnocchi with gorgonzola cream sauce. Then comes the three mushroom risotto (yes, we're gluttons and it will only get worse). It's finished with white truffle oil and shaved parmesan reggiano and it's like having sex in public without getting arrested. A side order of amaretto infused sweet potato mash will make you moan out loud and grab your partner and demand he or she fuck you right then and there.

But you don't because if you do, you'll miss the main entree. The grilled florentine t-bone comes to your table reminding you why it's called a t-bone steak: the bone is standing proudly on its plate, reigning over the sweet, succulent meat beneath. By this time, your senses are so sexed up you'll think the dish has a hard-on. You and your partner start making unseemly piggish sounds as you devour the meat. But you don't care because those around you are doing the same. It's getting hot. Clothes come off. A woman slips off the booth and disappears behind the table. Her partner soon follows. It's "Harry Met Sally" déjà vu du jour but in Italian.

By this time, you're spent. You're looking for that cigarette but you can't smoke inside the restaurant. Instead, the sick unrelenting, unrepentant fucks in the back tease you with a lasciviously decadent selection of desserts. You choose the chocolate mousse cake and a Tiramisu to die for. They remind you of what you found and now miss in the once equally sensuous but more theatrical Ola restaurant up on Biscayne Blvd in the MiMo district. Douglas Rodriguez' bold experiment in Latino cooking with its second floor overlook is but a wet dream now, a place that insured guys like us would not only get a great meal, we'd get lucky too.

Tuscan Steak is one of those kinds of restaurants. Although it can be expensive, we highly recommend it for all the wrong and right reasons.


Michelle said...

I have never laughed so hard reading a restaurant review in my life.

You are spot on :)

Rick said...

This may be the best damn review of a restaurant that I've ever read. Great job, MVB.