Britto vs. Seijas: Round One

Looks like the Miami-Dade County Commission's designated bully is at it again. This time, Natacha "I want my water" Seijas is picking on everybody's favorite diminutive Brazilian artist Romero Britto. She doesn't like his nearly gratis* designs for proposed new MIA attire. She thinks they're "tacky" and said "My maid wears better clothes than this." She particularly doesn't like the one design that is supposed to be a flamingo. She thinks it's really a snake. Besides not liking manatees, it also appears she doesn't care much for snakes either especially when they seem to be rising from the wearer's pants.

Which raises other questions only a shrink might care to dig deeper for answers. As for us, we're too afraid to go there.

Although we don't take Britto as seriously as others do, we think his "nearly free"* designs for the county are worthy. They will allow passengers something to gaze upon when standing in long, slow moving ticket lines or while waiting interminably for their luggage. Mixed with the proper dosage of hallucinogens, visitors staring at the MIA shirts won't mind any inconvenience since the only thing they will recall will be the "groovy, undulating snake charming shirts." In fact, we're inspired to offer the county at nearly gratis rates a slogan of our own to go along with the shirts: "MIA, man, what a trip!"

*The deal brokered by Visitors Bureau Chief Executive William "Bill" Talbert would cost the county $15,000 to own the rights to 48x48" canvas by Britto. Valued at $150,000, this art could also be used for county workers at the Port of Miami. This uniformity would help establish Miami, in Mr. Talbert's words, as a "destination."

For what? As a "fun and sun capital" for sure, but never as a place that would even know real art if it came up and bit it on it's cellulite dimpled ass.

UpDate (11/24): It appears the original design has been toned down. Today's Miami Herald shows the shirt split down the middle (how appropriate for a committee decision). One half is flamboyant Britto, the other (and back) is just one color (pale yellow). The "snake" is history. 1,500 have been ordered (5 per employee). Officials are considering selling replicas in MIA shops. BTW, the article mentions MIA wants to use the shirts to show the "friendliness of MIA staff." Maybe you should get Britto to paint smiles on their faces. Bright colored smiles with his signature/logo buried in them somewhere.

MVB's Inflatable Miami Finger Monument

In the course of human events when it becomes apparent that no matter what you do the world continues its downward slide into the shitter, we dedicate this monument to those who could have made a difference but didn't. Although inspired by the cowardly lunatics and myopic nincompoops sitting on the Miami, Miami Beach, and Miami-Dade County commissions, this monument owes its singular inflated importance to the one and only, the Grinch who stole Hope: Miami-Dade commissioner Natacha Seijas. At first her suggestion that the proposed Bay of Pigs Garage & Museum land grab behind the American Airlines Arena would become a world renown landmark rivaling the Sydney Opera House made us want to end it all in a flurry of mass suicide. Instead, we decided to create this monument. Made of green vinyl, the inflatable edifice to those who gravely disappoint and make us want to puke, is available for rental for those equally frustrated by the incompetence and impropriety of their elected representatives.

Please note: This monument is also dedicated to the private sector, all nimby's and in particular those who had no problem with turning the Noguchi designed Pepper Fountain in Bayfront Park into the base for a balloon ride.

UpDate (5/24): Sometimes you have to look for signs that there is justice in the world. Usually it's on the back page or buried in a newspaper. In this instance, it was the last item in a column in Miami Today. Bayfront Park Management Trust (two misnomers if there ever were) has requested legal help to hire an outside attorney from the Miami City Commission to get their money back. SkyLift Holdings defaulted on about $103,000 in payments due to the "Trust" before filing for Chapter 11 reorganization. For the record, the bureaucratic bozo behind this cockamamied scheme: Trust Executive Director, Timothy F. Schmand.

What's the Real Reason Commissioner Seijas wants her Water-- Could it be... COMMUNISTS?

At first, when commissioner Natacha Seijas voted last week to postpone making a decision on granting a permit to the $480 million Island Gardens project because she wanted the developer to come back and prove to her that it wouldn't suck up too much of the county's precious water supply, we didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Actually, we started out laughing and then began crying uncontrollably because we know that as long as we have representatives like Ms. Seijas, as a business community we will never be taken seriously.

"I am worried that the high volume of fresh water the marina would use might result in the demand for potable drinking water not being met," Ms. Seijas said with a straight face.

So, with that pronouncement, the developers, and representatives from the City of Miami-- including Mayor Manny Diaz and City Manager Pete Hernandez-- were all told, after three consecutive postponements, to come back one more time. To be fair, Ms. Seijas was joined by other commissioners, who, after five years and 40 public meetings, still have questions about the project. But it was her monkey wrench question that caught our attention and, after recovering from our crying jag, made us ask, Why?

Our research has turned up two possible reasons:

1. Ms. Seijas needs the water for "her" pool and for irrigation. It seems she has some major projects going on in her district in west Dade. Amelia Earhart Park is getting a new sports complex with four soccer fields and a new aquatic center. Of course, the soccer fields will need to be watered heavily to keep them from turning brown and an "aquatic center" by any other description is nothing more than a big freaking pool.
2. Ms. Seijas, a fervent anti-Communist from way back, secretly doesn't want the Island Gardens project to go through because Chinese Communists will be operating the Shangri-La Hotel, one of two hotels included in the Watson Island development. The luxury Shangri-La Hotel chain is based in Hong Kong and the Miami unit will be the first in the U.S.-- unless of course the developer can't prove his project will suck dry all of her precious water.
   

Still, you got to give the developers credit for being patient. They've been working diligently since 2001 in getting approvals from various city, county, state and Federal agencies regarding all matters from protecting the environment to protecting the views of a few disgruntled homeowners on Venetian Isle. But it is still not good enough for the obstructionists sitting on the county commission. If this kind of behavior continues, it will become increasingly difficult to attract businesses, large or small, accustomed to conducting their affairs in a professional manner that are not subject to the ditzy whims of a few elected officials. As much as we would love to bestow an MVB Poopy Head Hat to the other commissioners who voted yet again to postpone granting a construction permit, we can't just give them away willy-nilly. No, they have to really earn them or else the "award" becomes meaningless.

So, thanks to her "Dr. Strangelove" take on the matter, we bestow upon Ms. Seijas her second MVB Poopy Head Hat, which, for all those keeping count, puts her at the top of the heap.

(Please note MVB has stated previously that, although we are not enamored with the design of the Island Gardens project-- we think it lacks the defining grand architectural gesture that Miami sorely needs and deserves for that prime piece of public real estate-- our aversion to BS is stronger and we will continue to call it like it is.)