Monocle Man Make a Confession

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a blogger's wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

I have a confession to make. There are two fire extinguisher cases inside my home next to the front door. The fire extinguishers have been removed. One case has a mannequin head wearing a cheap wig. I call him "Wayne the Wig Wearer." The other case holds a brand new box of Camel cigarettes. Both are lit from above.


Wayne the Wig Wearer is there for a first date when I really want to make an impression. I figure if I wear his hair, it'll make me look younger. Somehow, it hasn't been working. I'm not a smoker but the box of Camels are there when I finally want to end it all. If I decide the cigarettes aren't working fast enough, I might install a third cabinet for just such an emergency. It will hold my loaded .38 Smith & Wesson.

Monocle Man On Volunteering and Lutherans

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a blogger's wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

• Besides being number one in America for rudeness and road rage, it also turns out according to a story in the Miami Herald that we are also at the very bottom of a list of cities with the lowest volunteer rates. This news comes to us following an earlier report that Americans are the most giving people on the earth. According to the Corporation for National and Community Service, the highest rates of volunteerism is found in the Minneapolis-St. Paul metro area where four in 10 adults volunteer.
• This got me to thinking about Lutherans. I use to be one. The Minneapolis-St. Paul area is a hotbed for this faith. Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" has been using them for comic fodder on NPR for years. Lutherans mean well but the church has been on a long slow decline for decades. I did my best to hold on for years, but I finally gave up when I realized that, although rock 'n roll has been around half-a-century, the Lutheran church continues to reach out to people with music from a hymnal more appropriate for people long dead and gone oh say, by at least 300 years. I think of it as the "Church of the Unsingable Hymn." It's ironic that the most powerful and singable hymns in the Lutheran church were written by its founder, Martin Luther, a rebel with a cause who's been dead for over 450 years. He was astute enough to lift the music of some German beer hall songs and re-write the lyrics in his effort to reach the common man. His "Mighty Fortress Is Our God," is still worthy after all these years. Unfortunately, when I use to attend church, I felt someone had always died-- I know, "someone" did but it seemed the church had forgotten the Resurrection part and was instead using the bombastic church organ-- an instrument of torture used during the Inquisition-- to remind us every Sunday morning of the solemn, sober side of the faith to the extant that I only heard dirges. God help them though. The church ladies* were a trip and man could they cook.

*Dana Carvey's Church Lady from the Golden Era of Saturday Night Live was inspired by growing up Lutheran.

Monocle Man on Things That Embarrass Me

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a blogger's wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

• ABC World News reported that Americans are the most giving people on the planet. Last year over 300 billion dollars was given by us to those in need. When I hear this, it makes me proud to be an American. And it makes me crazy when I think about all those Caribbean and South American nationalities parading up and down Calle Ocho waving their countries' flags. American flags are rarely seen. Ungrateful, myopic, and embarrassing.
• Speaking about embarrassing, it looks like south Florida's first family of African-American politicians, the untouchable Meeks, is on the take too. Part Two of the Miami Herald's three-part series about developer Dennis Stackhouse, labeled the "Poverty Peddler" by the paper, who failed to deliver on a $250 million biopharmaceutical park in Liberty City, had former U.S. Rep Carrie Meek on his payroll. She received at least $40,000 and a leased Cadillac Escalade from one of Stackhouse's companies. "She was paid as her son, U.S. Rep Kendrick Meek, requested millions of dollars of federal dollars for the biotech project." In the expose, we also learn that county commissioner Dorrin Rolle, who represents Liberty City, Miami's poorest neighborhood, "received thousands for his campaign coffers and a $10,000 donation to the nonprofit social-service agency that pays him $177,000 a year." That salary alone is embarrassing.
• Despite what we know about Americans having good hearts, I don't think they will elect a woman president. There are too many men out there who hate women and for those who don't, Hillary isn't "feminine" enough to woo the rest. Obama doesn't stand a chance either. He's too black for some and not black enough for others. Edwards is a fool who doesn't know how to spend his money. The threesome also supports creating a bigger army which is probably the best reason why they shouldn't be elected-- and won't be elected thanks to our Iraq fiasco. Bloomberg, should he run, is too Jewish-- but probably the least touchable by lobbyist and probably the best for running the country like a business. In the end, we'll probably elect Fred Thompson because we like his movies and his TV series "Law and Order." I'm not so sure that would be a bad thing. It doesn't matter who the Republicans choose. After Bush, it will be a long time before we see one of them in the Oval Office.
• Cable news is embarrassing. Paris Hilton is the reason.

Again, if any of the above offends you, please click here.

UpDate (6/26): The Herald reports today that, following its expose, U.S. Rep Kendrick Meek "called for the county to recover any funds misspent" on the proposed biopharm park in Liberty City.

UpDate (6/27): The Herald reports today that County Manager George Burgess sent a letter to companies controlled by Boston developer Dennis Stackhouse, saying his firms defaulted on county contracts and a 75-year lease on county land by failing to provide crucial documents about the biotech park.

UpDate (11/4/08): Obama becomes America's first black president. We were wrong in our earlier prediction and couldn't be happier. Unlike his opponent, he can change. We think he's the best thing that's happened to our country since Kennedy.

UpDate (12/02/08): Stackhouse pleaded no contest Monday to charges that he bundled campaign contributions to a Miami-Dade commissioner, a former county judge and a candidate for governor. In exchange for the plea to five third-degree felonies, Stackhouse was sentenced to 12 months probation and 15 hours of community service. Because he doesn't have a prior criminal record, the charges would not have netted him prison time even had he been tried and convicted. Miami-Dade Circuit Judge William Thomas withheld adjudication, meaning Stackhouse will not have a criminal conviction on his record. A hearing was set for Dec. 16 to determine how much Stackhouse should reimburse the county for the investigation's cost.

Monocle Man On Cubans, Venezuelans, Signs, Single Women I Know, and Shaking Hands

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a blogger's wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

• I find it amusing that the thing that finally pushed the Venezuelans over the edge is when Chavez took away their TV. He's been whittling away at their freedoms, democracy and capitalism for a long time, but until he took away their TV, they basically took it. Now they're marching in the streets. I wonder if they'll cave like Cubans or resist. Only time will tell if they are worthy of living in freedom or if Miami will become another dumping ground for a flotilla and a flytilla of wussy refugees. If the latter happens, it could get pretty crowded on Calle Ocho when both groups start marching at the same time, flaunting their righteous indignation for losing their countries while waving their flags-- none of which resemble the stars and stripes.


• Most of the single women I know are in their mid-thirties-to-early forties. Most of them have adorable accents. One is from Argentina. One is from Brazil. One is from the UK. Two of them are single moms. All of them are hard-working and full of life. They're great contributors to this great country and make living in Miami so special. I love them all. Too bad we make them jump through hoops and break the law to live here. My father was an immigrant, but I don't think he had to go through all of what these worthy women must.


• I'm at an age now that I am constantly looking for signs, something that will tell me that I'm making the right decision, that the woman I'm with is the woman I've always been looking for, that the future will be much better than today. Yesterday, and I'm not making this up, I saw a Buddhist priest walk by my window. I, of course, immediately took this as a sign, that something good might be coming down the pike towards me. He was walking down the street in flowing robes and black socks and shoes. He was smiling. He even looked up towards my window. For some reason I ducked.


• If you ever see me coming, don't shake my hand. It has killed many people. Eric Fleming was my first victim. He was the trail boss on "Raw Hide" with Clint Eastwood back in the mid sixties. I must have been around twelve years old. My dad took me to the Orange Bowl for a rodeo. Fleming was there signing autographs. Years later he quit the show and went to Peru to make a movie and died trying, drowning in a river. I lost the autograph, but not the guilt. Years passed. I found myself working as the Florida Field rep for publicity and promotion for some major Hollywood studios. Jim Henson came to Florida to promote a movie. I shook his hand. He died way too soon. John Candy was up next. Ditto. Although some celebrities have survived, their careers have died. Steven Seagal is the most famous but I have ended the careers of writers, directors, producers, and actors. Except for Renée Zellweger's. She came in to promote "Empire Records". As an unknown, I could hardly get anyone to interview her. I had to stage an autograph signing stunt at a record store in Coconut Grove to get the media interested. I got TV and print coverage, but I had to drag people off the street to line up for autographs. She of course went on to bigger and better things like winning an Oscar for her role in "Cold Mountain." Looking back, I'm not sure if I ever shook her hand.
• Elita Loresca.

Monocle Man on Roosters and Women and the Dangers of Playing With Screwdrivers

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a blogger's wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

• This weekend I was shopping at Publix. I bought a tin rooster. It was the last one they had. It looked Haitian in origin but upon closer inspection it was Chinese. While I'm waiting in the meat aisle to get a butcher to wrap up some beef bones so I can later boil and suck down the marrow, a woman started up a conversation with me regarding my rooster which was standing upright, looking over the top of the shopping cart. Later, we ended up sleeping together. When I woke up the next morning, my rooster was gone (and so was the woman).

Which got me to thinking. I had heard rumors about the power a rooster has over women in Hialeah and certain parts of Medley, that a man with a rooster tucked firmly under his arm was like a babe magnet. I know dogs and especially puppies pretty much do the trick anywhere else on the planet when it comes to meeting women, but I suspect from what happened to me over the weekend, a rooster-- even a tin one-- should be the first choice of accouterments for guys on the prowl in south Florida. UpDate (5/21): The Miami Herald reports today that a very popular local rooster is missing from a Miami-Dade dockside restaurant. We suspect "Little Bob," a "happy-go-lucky rooster" is helping some guy get laid.

• The next night I discovered the dangers of playing with screwdrivers. Not the ones you carry in a tool box and never use. I'm talking about the kind you drink. After the second one, I thought I'd get creative and add some sliced bananas to the top. I learned very quickly that drinking and slicing don't mix. The blood kinda made it look like a Tequila Sunrise. I call my new drink Screwed and recommend you do the slicing before you start the drinking.
  

Monocle Man On: Barak Obama

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a bloggers wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

• Just finished watching Senator Barak Obama on "Face the Nation." Very disappointing. He's being touted as a bright light in the Democratic Party, someone many are hoping will run for president. From watching him defend his stepped Iraqi withdrawal proposal which is much like the one recommended in the recent "official" bi-partisan proposal-- which he reminded us more than once came months after his own-- he's at best a "flickering light." At worst, he's nothing more than another politician. When pressed more than once by Bob Schieffer to answer whether or not he would vote to cut off funding for the war, he wavered-- like the "flickering light bulb" he is. How refreshing it would have been to have seen him say exactly what he would do instead of dancing around the question like so many politicians are wont to do.
• Now don't get me wrong, I was hoping he was the guy who would lead us out of Iraq, the next Kennedy of a different color-- but that doesn't mean I'm a liberal. Senator John McCain was on to. At one point I hoped he would run for president. Not anymore. As much as I admire him, I'm against supporting his notion that Iraq needs more troops. So where do my politics lie? In a dark and scary place few will fear to go especially at 8:30am on a Sunday morning. In fact, it even scares me that I worship at the Church of the Politically Incorrect early service.
• Elita Loresca.

Monocle Man On: The Baseball Stadium, Umoja Village...

WARNING: First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a bloggers wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

*****

• MLB wants a downtown Miami stadium. So do I. But at what price? Part of the financing may include using millions of dollars designated by law to improve blighted neighborhoods. These funds would come from the Community Redevelopment Agency (CRA). Right now, the proposed site is outside the boundaries of the CRA. But there is talk about expanding the boundaries to include the proposed site to tap the funds for the new stadium near I95 and the Government Center. To me, it looks like this plan will rob from the poor to give to the rich. I think MVB's proposed site is much better-- and it doesn't need to get built at the expense of building affordable housing for the poor to make it a reality-- plus, it's built over a MetroRail station making it unnecessary to walk through the heat, humidity, and the rain to get to the stadium. Miami mayor Manny Diaz supports using CRA funds to help build the stadium. Unfortunately for the poor, Michelle Spence-Jones is the Chairwoman for the CRA, the same one who, as a commissioner, proposed re-writing the ordinance to legally shut down Umoja Village, Miami's upstart shantytown.
• Regarding Umoja Village, today's Herald notes that the new ordinance Ms. Spence-Jones wants to introduce, has been pulled from this week's commission agenda. Maybe she realized how much it made her look like a first rate schmuck. Naw, they're probably just making sure all the legalese is drum tight and protects them from looking like heartless bastards.
• Meanwhile, Max Rameau, founder of Umoja Village, is organizing protests for Super Bowl week. Stay tuned.
• Elita Loresca

Introducing Monocle Man

A note from the publisher:

First off, anyone wearing a monocle today should be viewed with suspicion. This gentleman, who wishes to remain anonymous as is a bloggers wont, is not the kind of guy you'd invite to a party. If his 1,000 yard stare doesn't quickly put your shindig into an irreversible slide toward downersville, his jaded, dyspeptic personality soon will. So, dear reader, read his words with caution and a mojito, MVB's drink of choice, in hand.

***********

Really, I'm not as bad as Mr. Erectus made me out to be. Sure, I might wear a monocle, but does that mean I don't eat, sleep, and shit like the rest of you? Perhaps you'd be more forgiving if you knew I was born and raised in Miami and have been living here for over half a century. I've basically seen it all and it has taken its toll on me. My shrink calls me Eeyore, my girlfriend calls me shallow, and my hero Verticus Erectus calls me dyspeptic, but despite those sentiments, I still get up every morning in Miami thinking that today is going to be an improvement on yesterday. That should count for something. Right?

Anyway, my first "observations" for MVB are:

• Since no one else seems to be doing it on a scale that will make an impact, Baptist Health South Florida, the region's largest private employer, and the University of Miami are going to provide affordable housing to attract and retain workers. They will build units on land they own. When the average house price in Dade County is $372,400 and the median family income for a family of four is $55,900, who will build affordable housing for the teachers? The cops? The firefighters? For you and me?
• What's with underwear? When I was at UM in the early 70's, hardly anyone wore them. Trust me, I've seen my fair share of cracks over the years-- some good (the one I saw on March 7, 2006 was a standout), most bad-- but now a days, they've changed what once was something utilitarian into a fashion statement. I know this because I can see people's underwear almost every place I go. I find myself not knowing whether to look or turn away. Maybe some day if I live long enough, I will be comfortable seeing other people's underwear in public.
• Speaking of underwear, until I started dating a sensuous, worldly Brazilian named Luciana, I didn't know that after all of these years I had been placing "it" inside my underwear in the wrong position. According to her, it is supposed to go "up." I ran this by Esquire magazine's Answer Guy and he said, after calling me a "pussy," that this is America and I can put it any where I want to. Thanks to Luciana, however, I discovered colorful "athletic briefs" and stopped buying those old man white cotton briefs and will never go back. Now, God forbid, if I should ever get into an accident, I can rest assured that at least I'll be looking good on the gurney, well, at least as far as the underwear goes.
• What's with the county trying to dig a $1.2 billion tunnel between the Port of Miami and Watson Island? Recent reports show that the port has lost money while other ports-- including its chief competitor, Ft. Lauderdale's Port Everglades-- made profits. Part of the plan to pay for the tunnel includes charging trucking companies and shippers tolls. Won't this raise the cost of doing business at the port? Won't it drive business away? As MVB has suggested, why haven't they considered bringing the existing, unused rail line on line during the dead of night to relieve port congestion while downtown is asleep? It's gotta be a lot cheaper than digging a billion dollar freaking tunnel.
• When I was growing up in the westside of North Miami, no one got murdered by a gun. Burglaries were unheard of. Then, during the seventies and eighties, people moved away and the color and the language changed from white and English to black, brown, Spanish, Creole and something resembling English. Murders went up along with burglaries. When I went to North Miami High, no one got killed and it stayed that way up until the last 10 years when at least two kids have been killed there. One crawled under a car in the school parking lot to get away from a guy with a gun-- to no avail; the killer got on all fours, looked under the car and fired away. Some even pee in the hallway. What happened?
• Elita Loresca.

UpDate (12/13/08): Christmas comes early with the announcement that the tunnel project succumbs to a well-deserved death when the state and Bouygues Travaux Publics can't agree on terms. Hurray!